Beauty Eternal

Why a day? Why not a lifetime? Why not eternally? To honor those who produce life and love. The strength of those who came before us and live among us. Our tears fill the ocean, our compassion offers warmth like the sun. Our nurturing gives life to the generations ahead. Remember always that our influence provides and sustains life and beauty that is eternal. With no beginning and no end. Like the flowers that return every spring. Our presence is essential to nature. Never doubt yourself- the instinct you have is the voice of the women before you- it is the word you will share.

If We Are Doorways

If we are doorways, I am standing here
propping the screen open with my hip
ushering in the wind and the dust
my arms are crossed and my eyes crease
watching all the way down the block
watching until it gets dark and then gets light again
nodding to the passersby, looking them in the eye
saying good evening, good morning,
good afternoon, good night
it’s a quiet resistance
against my self-protective impulse
urging a solid thud slam
and bolt click shut
I will stand instead
in the doorway and pretend
it’s this - this is what I want:
to be on the threshold at dusk
the light of my house behind me
all the neighbors’ greenery
exhaling oxygen around me
I keep catching my breath

Even As Small as a Blurt

S. explained "irrational exuberance" in the context it was coined. i want to talk about irrational exuberance in our daily lives, where it's actually, i would argue, a good and necessary thing! because sometimes you have to let yourself be excited and optimistic even though things are, from an objective perspective, pretty shitty or full of risk. as humans we negotiate risk and shittiness every day, and if we waited for a rational time to be exuberant, it might never come. there is not a way to live risk-free, in other words. and unlike the way our federal systems should approach the national economy, the way we approach our lives has to be embracing of risk, of failing and bruising, of crashing and getting mud on our faces, hands and knees.

lauren berlant talks about irrational exuberance in terms of sex in her essay "Starved":

"I can tell you one thing about it: exuberance is irrational...it makes one wonder what burden of fear the word irrational betrays: it implies a preference for sensible risk, risk that does not impose itself on the senses as a threat to a comfortable rhythm of the subject in the event. Irrational exuberance is what sex requires, although the scale of the event might be as small as a blurt."

She goes on later to say, basically, that sex is chaotic and disorganizing and if we go through life fearing chaos and disorganization, we close ourselves off from experiences because of fear of brokenness, of confusion, of messiness. This is part of what makes sex so connected to shame in our culture, the fear of making a huge mistake. Of not being "whole" as a person, defined by solid and immovable positions; we don't like to think of ourselves, our sexuality or selves as sexual beings, as in flux. We are much more comfortable with the ideas of stability and simplicity.

Berlant is speaking through theoretical terms, but I think they are still applicable to the everyday, and it definitely speaks to me because I struggle with this all the time. To live with irrational exuberance is a goal I have to remind myself of almost daily. Because it is scary, but important. As they say in Strictly Ballroom, "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

Irrational Exuberance

This post is to examine the meaning and idea of irrational exuberance, a term first used by Alan Greenspan in a speech regarding the state of the U.S. market in the late 1990s (1996 was when the speech was delivered). To be honest, I’ve had a difficult time trying to understand what was meant and what this means, and most importantly why it exists. So, I’m going to break it down:

Wikipedia provides the following under the definition of irrational:

“Factors which affect rational behavior include:

• stress, which in turn may be emotional or physical
• the introduction of a new or unique situation
• intoxication
• peers who convey irrational thoughts as necessary idiosyncrasy for social acceptance”

Now exuberance, or definitions of exuberant (from Dictionary.com) (since it’s hard to find a decent definition of exuberance- COME ON MERRIAM-WEBSTER!):

• “effusively and almost uninhibitedly enthusiastic; lavishly abundant
• abounding in vitality; extremely joyful and vigorous.
• extremely good; overflowing; plentiful
• profuse in growth or production; luxuriant; superabundant”

So, why the economy is fucked right now:

Because of stress to make money for corporations/stock-holders/themselves, the introduction of sneaky ways to make money (sub-prime loans, derivatives, and other financial words and ideas I do not understand- and the ones I do are thanks to “This American Life”), the intoxication of greed, and the normalcy of class division and financial abuse of Americans, we find ourselves fucked. Irrational exuberance is the lack or reason in financial institutions who act in attempt to create a false world of limitless money and resources for their (the rich) and only their use for profit and gain.

YOUTH/AGE

i just turned 25. that sounds old to me. like i need to start acting like an adult. but also because it means i AM an adult. and i can act however i want. i feel, as a ladyperson, it is especially important to be vigilant about how "adult" becomes "patriarchy." to remind myself of this, here is a manifesto being written by multiple tumblr peeps that i am really excited about/feel inspired by. print this out. read it every day:

- never compromise yr feelings to make people comfortable
- cry in public [cry all the time]
- nothing sober is real anyway [sobriety is a bourgeois construct]
- violence is the new “being the bigger person”
- mellow is not an interesting state of being [relaxed fit jerks wear relaxed fit jeans]
- you take up for every girl everywhere
- suffer no fools
- eat cake [eat everything]
- if yr sleeping with yr cat it is not sleeping alone
- if yr sleeping with a beer in yr bed it is not sleeping alone
- don’t internalize anything even [especially] if that means letting so much crazy out of you
- make men cry
- farting as a means of communication [farting as self-care]
- talk about everything yr not supposed to [poo with ya boo/be the grossest always]
- fuck and get fucked however you want
- be loud [and smart and mean]
- take up space
- take up space that is traditionally occupied by men
- get lipstick on everything
- punch people [get punched]
- you can/have to hate yrself but you don’t really hate yrself
- because you are perfect
-steal anything
-raise hell
-prioritize the coven
-blog about it
- skillsharing (esp. re: thieving)
- honesty even [especially] when it’s hard
- be more “gay” more of the time
- kissing on the mouth
- not sorry
- never sorry
- Come as loud as you want. Fuck the neighbours.
- Be a fucking sad woman with too many feelings on the internet.
- No making nice.
- Set fires if you gotta.
- dress like a witch
- if you bleed through let it show and tell everyone it’s menstrual chic
- refuse to assimilate into aesthetics that bore you (ie dress weird if you wanna)
- know that frivolity is not trivial
- be socially inappropriate, invite shameful disclosures, make people feel so good when they join in on your oversharing, make it a party
- shove a book in your purse and don’t be embarrassed to read it at boring parties
- overidentify with kate bush

Write a manifesto of your most girlish demands for the world. This is important because I, and I'm sure many others, need to be reminded that the reason the above makes me uncomfortable/scared sometimes is because it is ANTI-patriarchy and when you go against the grain, you get some some splinters. But that's a small price to pay for FREEDOM. Let's be FREE BITCHES. DEATH TO THE PATRIARCHY. Now and forever. On earth as it is in HEAVEN.

A Call to (Open) Arms

This week we’re talking about youth, particularly because we celebrated birthdays recently. This subject has been on my mind recently, as I have been observing my young peers. Perhaps it is the location, the time, the groups, the individuals, but I’ve been noticing a lack of balance in my peer groups. I am beginning to wonder why. Why are we all so divided on the spectrum? Here’s what I’m seeing and here’s what I mean.

On One Side: Blatant ignorance. Some of my peers focus on drinking, going out, materialism, personal gain, superior complexes, lack of interest in current events/social issues. Specific examples include:

-A coworker asking me “What is a republican?”. Which on a side note, is really hard for me to answer without bias, as I immediately jump to my personal frustration with the current Republican party.

-General attitude of arrogance and lack of a “welcoming” in group dynamics. In groups especially I see/feel competitiveness in play- who can talk louder, who can have the most dramatic story, who can hold the most attention, etc.

-Despite our abundance of recycling bins at work, co-workers throw the recyclables away because the trash bin is closer and easier to get to!

It seems that when it comes to doing something for the betterment of society, we are lazy. BUT when it comes to getting something for ourselves (not necessarily to better ourselves)- i.e. attention, money, material items, etc we are over doing it. Why?

On the Other Side: Extreme judgement. The focus on the this side: Serious demeanor, judgmental attitude, quick to criticize, and also, unwelcoming. Even with the most noble causes, if you exclude people and make them feel stupid for not already joining in your group/cause/idea, then you discourage us to not change or to not be involved in our community. Specific examples include:

-One of my dear friends is a great and dedicated activist. However, when we have discussions this person can’t believe I don’t already believe in what they are saying. This person makes me feel stupid, guilty, and inferior. Let’s help each other. We can listen and teach each other without guilt. Love and respect will lead all to action.

-Activist groups “teaching” youth with condescending attitude. I have seen this a lot.

-I've tried to volunteer with a few groups in the city. It is really hard to being new to a group and feeling like you have to prove yourself to them in order to be included.

To all of my peers (and a reminder to myself) I propose these things:

1.) Lighten up! Laugh! Value laughter and fun and dance and smiles!
2.) Unconditional love- accept those who are around us and offer help. Someone showing up, us showing up is enough and is a good start.
3.) Be gentle in your words. We have much to learn from each other and we have much to teach each other.
4.) Education! Let’s know our shit and then make it better.

Let’s be serious about learning and loving. Balance.

Guideposts & Resolutions

(this idea is from a blog post by Shayna Israel)

20 things learned in 2011

1 mistakes v. failing -- i made some big mistakes this year. i spent a lot of time worrying over them, not because of the consequences of those mistakes but because i had made them. because i had done something “wrong.” the thing i want to take away from that is, i’m still here, relatively ok, somewhat more experienced. mistakes are part of living. “This is your becoming.”
2 radical vulnerability -- this year i really came face to face with the power of being raw and real, and how much that scares me. this made me understand how important it is and how it truly can radicalize.
3 being honest/true to myself -- while there is value in experimentation and openness, that value lies in coming to understand what my wants and needs really are. if i don’t know, say i don’t know. it’s ok to be contradictory or change my mind, as long as in that moment i’m being real.
4 having hard/necessary conversations -- especially around what i need or feel. especially with loved ones. it’s always better to pull it into the light. the true element of confession.
5 saying no -- also, really, standing up for myself. saying there are limits to my flexibility. saying i have a breaking point and it is here.
6 making space for/honoring my intuition -- i ignored my intuition in many small ways, but i acted on my intuition in a big way. i've done this before, but it's always good to reaffirm the strength of that deep self-knowing.
7 hearing advice without taking it -- something i learned this year is my habit of over-polling and giving too much weight to what other people had to say (stemming from my indecisiveness). sometimes the knowledge you seek will only come from you finding your way. this is lesson is related to yoga practice -- you know your body and your soul best, remember that and check in with yourself first.
8 being grateful every day -- saying thank you opens up your heart. for the sky, for good food, the smell of the salty air, an easy run. give thanks. simple/huge.
9 seeing my roots in the big picture -- respecting my parents for the trials of their past lives and understanding how these continue to affect them, how their experiences/issues talk to my own issues, and listening to that conversation more has helped me understand myself a lot better.
10 understanding my weakness - i've learned a lot of hard lessons about my insecurity with vulnerability, my need to be right, my tendency to project my own feelings on others, my seeking out approval.
11 using that to grow stronger - focusing on emotional self-care, forgiving myself when i’m wrong, asking whether the approval i seek is worthy of me. all big lessons that need to carry on into the new year.
12 being optimistically realistic - i have a pragmatic/pessimistic ability to understand what will most likely happen, to prepare and plan for the worst. i need to balance that by allowing hope.
13 sexuality - lots of unpacking was done this year. SO MUCH. i'm grateful for all those lessons and want to try to keep processing without judging myself.
14 anxiety/self-care - i have gotten better at monitoring my anxiety and doing what i need to do to manage it. i can be better about having a routine of health so that not as much of my feeling shitty is compounded by sleep deprivation or lack of exercise.
15 the importance of record - it was so helpful to be able to look back and find myself in old writings when i thought i was lost. i need to keep this up. it’s a solid rock in my foundation.
16 understanding/celebrating my strengths - part of self-awareness is celebrating what you rock at. i am always uncomfortable with this, but i think acquiring a lot of perspective this year has helped with that.
17 using all of the above to gain confidence -- knowing myself and understanding myself, celebrating and forgiving myself are all really important ways of strengthening the areas of my life where i'm super insecure.
18 forgiving the self -- over and over. i learned this over and over. it’s a lesson to keep re-learning, but hopefully after this year it will be a little easier.
19 accepting the moment - now is not forever. my striving for ideals and perfection can get in the way of being present. i need to be mindful of this.
20 letting go - so hard for an emotional hoarder to do! also linked to my tendency to want to control things. i learned a lot about allowing myself to be uncomfortable while things unfold or drift away. letting that happen, handing the reins over to the universe.

12 resolutions moving forward in 2012
1 self-care -- diet & exercise habits
2 challenge -- work harder, rise to the occasion (especially at work)
3 confidence and quiet -- when i find myself shouting for attention (in my head/in reality) take a beat and say, you’re already heard and seen. you hear and see yourself.
4 being a good sister/daughter/friend - phone calls, emails, be generous with the love
5 continue to build a foundation -- get strong in spirit/heart, be my best me
6 valuing discomfort - riese’s 3 month rule (you can handle anything for 3 months)
7 not indulging my wallowy tendencies -- instead of wallowing, a small action to feel better (walk, read a poem, paint my nails, do the dishes, play with cats, call family) also being mindful of google-stalking/information gathering as a form of wallowing. getting better at shutting that part of my brain off when it’s a hindrance.
8 sharing v taking over/listening -- be a better listener, share with care
9 getting better at waiting -- learning patience is a huge goal for me this year. i'm using a quote from a letter Steinbeck wrote his son for motivation "nothing good gets away."
10 read more books -- especially before bed/instead of the internet
11 write a poem every day (or try!)
12 greet happiness and welcome it in -- call it by its name, say hello, shake its hand. choose being positive.